my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
