Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
