That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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