when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just pee around me
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
