I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
