yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
