So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
