I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
