Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
