about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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