420 ftw
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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