Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
