I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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