My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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