grandma shit on top of the toilet
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
