Moan for me like Helen Keller
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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