Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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