I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
