just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
