I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
