I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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