remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
