i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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