Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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