i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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