Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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