a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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