Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
