I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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