I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
