Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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