dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
sarcasm needs its own font
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
