watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
