just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
