I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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