so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
only if we run a train.
done.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
