and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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