She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
