Swine flu. Run for my life!
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
