I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
