is your mom at the bar?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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