Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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