No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
