walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
