i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
