You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
