I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
