So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
