how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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