I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
