I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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