I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
