Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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