I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
